


aliens made them do it™

by Skyuni123



Series: 17 (should have been 25 but i messed up) Days of a Self-Flagellating Christmas [14]
Category: Torchwood
Genre: Aliens Made Them Do It, Author's Favorite, Crack, Fluff and Humor, Glitter, Multi, Orgy, Set During Season One
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-17 22:36:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,637
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13086843
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skyuni123/pseuds/Skyuni123
Summary: There 'may' have been an orgy. Jack's not completely sure.





	aliens made them do it™

Waking up with a sour taste in his mouth and the inability to remember the night before is fairly standard for Jack.

Waking up with a sour taste in his mouth, the inability to remember the night before and glitter coating every single surface in his office is a bit less standard, however.

He’s never seen so much glitter before and he’s been to  _ many _ gay bars. (On  _ many  _ different planets.)

 

Jack debates going back to sleep, but the headache thrumming at his temples and his general sense of ‘I’m the leader here, I should probably make an effort’ hauls him to his feet. Glitter cloaks his clock, but he can  _ just  _ read that it’s eight-thirty in the morning. 

It’s then that he realises that he’s completely naked.

 

He doesn’t have a problem with that, of course, but he figures that at least one member of the team will, so he hunts around the office until he finds something resembling clothing, which to his dismay is also covered with glitter.

He  _ likes  _ those pants. Now he’s going to have to get them dry-cleaned.

 

Pulling open the door to the rest of the Hub is like stepping into a Christmas wonderland, except it’s the middle of July and there aren’t any presents.

There is glitter  _ everywhere.  _ It’s actually vaguely nauseating.

 

Tosh is dead to the world on one of the couches, as completely naked as he was. Jack brushes as much of the glitter as he can off a nearby blanket and drapes it over her. When she does wake up, it’s inevitable that she’ll panic, and he wants to make it easier for her.

 

He finds Gwen passed out in the meeting room, and he puts a blanket over her too.

 

Ianto and the ibuprofen are by the coffee machine. Surprise, surprise.

 

Now all he has to do is find Owen.

Owen, fortunately, finds him.

He emerges from whatever hole he’s crawled out of, naked aside from a pair of scrub bottoms.  

 

“Morning, Owen!” Jack says cheerily, scrubbing through the security camera footage from the night before in an attempt to figure out what happened. “Sleep well?”

“Why are you shirtless, Harkness?”

“Why are you?” Jack asks, pointedly and spins his chair around to face him. The security camera footage is useless. There’s a big chunk missing between eleven and six. 

Owen ignores him. “I’ve got glitter in my nose. I dunno if I want to know how it got there.” 

“Is that the only place you have glitter?”

“Shut up, Jack. Did we all fuck last night or something? I distinctly remember not being this naked, or this glittery this time yesterday.” He plucks at his pants, which are  _ very  _ glittery.

“What would you like the answer to that to be?” Jack leers, though his heart isn’t really in it. The headache’s going away, though, which is a good start. 

“Stop being evasive, tell me what you know.” Owen doesn’t even sound aggravated, just confused and hungover. 

“No idea.” Jack shrugs. “Absolutely no idea. Here.” He tosses a strip of ibuprofen towards Owen and the other man picks it up off the floor, grumpily.

“Cheers, Harkness.” 

“Meeting at ten, Owen!” Jack leans back in his chair and waits for the others to wake up, while Owen goes off and ...does whatever he does when he’s not working.

 

Tosh comes awake first with a cry, and Jack’s there to reassure her when she does. She looks around wildly before settling on his face. “Jack?”

 

“Hey, Tosh. You feeling okay?”

“Head.” She moans, and he drops a couple of ibuprofen into her palm. 

“It’ll fade soon.”

 

She downs the pills without water, and then blinks as though she’s just noticed something for the first time. “Why am I naked, Jack?”

“No idea.” Jack pats her on the hand reassuringly. “I’m working on the basis that it might have been an alien orgy, but it really could have been anything. Security footage is gone.”

 

Her eyes widen at the thought of someone tampering with their computer system, but she sinks back into the couch instead of moving. “Is an alien orgy an orgy  _ with  _ aliens, or  _ because  _ of them?”

“Could have been either.” Jack shrugs. “Meeting at ten. If you could maybe try to recover our security footage, that’d be great, but don’t feel obliged.” 

 

She nods and then covers herself in the blanket again. 

He leaves her to it.

 

Alien orgies are common enough at Torchwood that they don’t seem to rattle anyone anymore.

(It really doesn’t matter if an alien made you do it.)

 

Ianto’s awake and dressed when he goes past the coffee machine again. His suit is glittery, but he looks no less composed than he usually does.

 

“Sir?”

“Morning, Ianto. Might have been an orgy, not sure yet. Too much glitter. How are you?”

“Alive and kicking, sir.” Ianto says dryly, and hands Jack a cup of coffee. “Marginally.”

“Good to hear it.” Jack deposits a strip of ibuprofen next to the coffee machine, gives Ianto a squeeze around the shoulders, and then heads on out. “Meeting at ten!”

 

Gwen has her head down on the meeting table when he arrives, hair akimbo and blanket clutched tightly around her. She groans when she sees him. “Jack.”

“Morning, sunshine!” Jack replies, with no less glee and sits down in a chair opposite her. “How are we feeling this morning?”

“Like I was hit by a truck.” 

“It’ll pass.” He slides the last strip of ibuprofen towards her across the table.

“You are a  _ saint.”  _ She steals his coffee and swallows two.

“I try.” 

“Do you know what happened?” 

“Alien orgy. Maybe. Or a glitter bomb.” He shrugs. “Could be anything at this point.” He steals his coffee back and takes a sip. Gorgeous, as always.

Gwen rolls her eyes. “Bollocks. Another thing I won’t be able to tell Rhys.” She seems surprisingly fine with it, but that might just be the headache talking.

 

“If it’s any consolation, I don’t think it counts if you were coerced into it. And it might not have been an orgy. Could have just been a run of the mill Rift event.”

“Yes, well, as we all know, the Rift tends to open and just  _ dump  _ glitter everywhere.” Gwen looks around with some disdain. “Is it as bad everywhere else?”

“Yeah.” 

“Great.” 

Jack leans back in his chair. “Meeting in five minutes. Might want to put some clothes on.”

“Good point.” She scrambles out of her chair.

 

Jack averts his eyes politely while she hunts around the room. No-one can say that he can’t be a gentleman sometimes.

 

She flops down opposite him a few minutes later, and desperately tries to smooth her hair out of her face.

Jack chuckles. “Nice bra, Cooper.”

“You get to be shirtless, I get to be shirtless.” She pauses, with absolutely no shame. “Also, I can’t find my shirt.”

“Fair enough.” He reclines back in his chair and tries to pick the glitter out of his eyelashes. Shiny things are fine, but there is a  _ line. _

 

Everyone traipses in in the next few minutes, looking rather worse for wear. Aside from Ianto, who looks entirely too composed, but he’s Ianto.

 

“So, kids.” Jack says, not bothering to sit up. “We have a glittery situation on our hands. Any ideas? If you can solve this I’ll let you go home early.” 

There’s silence. He swings his hair around looks over at them, pointedly. “I’ll let you go home early anyway, but I really would like to know what’s going on.”

“I had no luck with the security system.” Tosh says, “Nothing between eleven and six.”

“And there’s nothing in the archives  _ quite  _ like this.” Ianto adds. “No Rift activity, either.”

 

Jack looks to Owen, who shrugs.

“I was trying to find my shirt. No luck. I liked that shirt.”

 

“And I’ve been here this whole time.” Gwen adds, “Sorry.” 

 

“I’m completely ashamed of all of you.” Jack says, fully intending to let them leave. “However I-”

 

Then there’s a bright pink flash and a clear cylinder appears in the middle of the conference table. Inside, there’s a mass of glowing, writhing dots.

It looks almost like…  _ glitter? _

Jack, ever impulsive, leans forward and grabs the cylinder.

 

“Thank you for trialling the Ultra-Luxe Pleasure Particles. Fun for the whole family!” A mechanical voice, issuing from the canister says. “We hope you had a pleasant experience! Under Article 695, Clause 56 of Galactic Law, Ultra-Luxe is not liable to issue refunds, nor responsible for any damages caused or limbs amputated. The full product costs 25 thousand credits. Would you like to make a purchase?”

Jack blinks. Then blinks again. “You know what, I think we’re just fine, thank you.”

“Response received. Thank you for trialling Ultra-Luxe! Visit your closest Ultra-Luxe vendor for our full product!” The cylinder disappears from Jack’s hand with another flash of pink smoke.

 

Well. He leans back in his chair, thoughtfully. It could have been worse. At least Ultra-Luxe didn’t seem overtly malicious.

 

Then he looks over at his team, which look far more shocked about the whole thing than they should be. 

 

“Was that intergalactic spam?” Owen demands.

“It’s closer to intergalactic free samples, but yeah, I suppose.” Jack muses. “Shame I don’t have 25 thousand credits, really.”

“I’m outta here.” Owen stands up from his chair, grumpy for reasons that Jack can’t place. (Might just be him.) "This is bollocks."  


“Sure thing.” Jack gives him a thumbs up, “Actually, all of you should go. Go on. Sleep it off. See you tomorrow.” He waves them away with one hand, and they all leave, looking far worse than he feels.

  
  


The glitter takes  _ far  _ too long to clean up, even with every tool Jack can find in the archives helping him out.  

**Author's Note:**

> hit me up on [ tumblr ](http://villainousfilmmaker.tumblr.com)


End file.
